”My dog is nervous around strangers, and I recently started dating. How do I introduce him to dates/potential partners?”

We humans put a lot of energy into getting first impressions just right. Think about all the planning that goes into bringing your new boyfriend or girlfriend home to meet the family for the first time. There’s usually several conversations and possibly a fight beforehand, so that your new partner can be acclimated to your family of origin dynamic (and to the potential consequences of a disastrous first meeting). Outfits are carefully selected, as are conversation topics (might want to steer clear of politics for now, or forever). But we rarely give as much thought to our dog’s first impression of our new partner.

For reactive dogs, the best introductions are often the ones that don’t include any introductions at all. Though common and well-intentioned, the “hold your hand out for the dog to sniff” move can actually do more harm than good, as can:

talking to the dog in a soft voice
giving the dog a high value treat
petting the dog

If you have a reactive dog who has had issues with meeting people in the past, then you should not focus on meeting and greeting, but rather on routine, low-pressure exposures.

Any time you’re attempting to blend a nervous dog with a new person or people, it is wise to take a proactive, rather than reactive, approach. Meeting your dog’s reactivity with more reactivity after an introduction gone south is a losing strategy. Better to set your dog up for success from the beginning, and orchestrate the beginning of the relationship with confidence and control.

The first question you want to ask is, how serious is the relationship? You have to answer this question honestly. Your dog probably does not need to meet all your Tinder dates, but if the relationship is heading towards a partnership or even cohabitation, you should begin the process of exposing your dog to the idea that there will be a new person hanging around.

The second question you need to ask is, how serious is my dog? If your dog has a history of reactivity, you need to have already begun training before your new partner ever steps foot into your home. Your dog needs to know that her input is neither desired nor allowed, and that rule needs to be reinforced in all areas of life. If you train with balanced methods already, and your relationship is structured in such a way that your dog readily understands direction and correction, then you can use whatever methods you’d typically use to give your dog feedback about her choices.

However, if you have never used balanced training tools, now is not the time to start. Correcting (or rewarding) a nervous dog at the wrong time for the wrong reasons can only create more problems. Keep your potential suitors away until you’ve created a structure in which your dog can process rewards and corrections.

Think of this process as painting an oil painting that comes together in layers. The long game is transforming your new partner from neutral background to co-owner/trainer, in a way that gives all parties the best chance for long term success. It can also be thought of as a journey - from coexistence to acceptance to maybe, just maybe, friendly affection.

Coexistence

Start by having your dog simply hang out in the crate for several days to weeks. Advise your man-or lady-friend not to look at, talk to, or otherwise engage with your dog. Don’t shield your dog from the sight or sound of your guest, but don’t go out of your way to be in the same room either. His or her willingness to comply with this rule will be the first test of the relationship. If your partner objects to this rule, insisting that “dogs love me” then it may be time to re-think your future with this person. I’m only partially joking. Living with a reactive dog is serious business, and both human adults need to present a solid front to the dog.

The key thing to remember is that your dog doesn’t have to like the new person. In fact, attempts to force a love connection often backfires (and I’m not just talking about dogs here). Your desire for your dog to like your boyfriend will most likely result in you unconsciously doing things to make your dog not like your boyfriend. Things like nervously chatting to your dog, “Oh that’s just Jerrod, you remember Jerrod!” or absendmindedly petting your dog while it tracks your boyfriends movements around the room.

We say these things ostensibly to reassure our dogs, but in a fearful moment it can signal that we’re soft and incapable of handling threats. It may seem confusing to us, because Jerrod happens to be a really nice guy, but dogs rarely react to a person’s moral character. They react based on associations and prior exposures. if your dog is showing signs of nervousness, you should take them seriously.

When your dog seems supremely unconcerned with the new person milling about, you may start thinking about bringing your dog out on a leash. Do not allow your dog to pull towards the person, even if it wants to. Make it abundantly clear that you are handling the guests and the dog’s only job is to calmly lie down. If your dog has a reliable Place command, this would be the perfect time to use it, with a back tie if needed. Pack walks are also a good idea at this time. Have your partner walk beside your dog, as close as you can get without a reaction.

Acceptance

So your dog and your partner have not interacted for weeks or months, and the number of overt reactions/stress signals is dwindling by the day. Your dog looks to you for information when your partner walks in the room, and trusts you to handle things completely. Your dog seems utterly unconcerned about this new person, and your partner feels safe around your dog. Your dog’s body language is loose and wiggly, and it may even seem happy to see your partner.

It is important to start their handling relationship off in a training (rather than petting) context, so that your dog can share a language with this new human and avoid too much direct pressure. Reactive dogs are hesitant of the unknown and often resistance to touch, so you can give your dog a few more “knowns” by teaching your partner all of your dog’s commands. Your partner’s energy should be assertive, confident, and (most importantly) neutral. Walking the dog in heel (with an in-motion leash pass off) would be an excellent place to start. Getting the dog to recall to the new person (perhaps with a ball) is another good option.

Depending on the severity of anxiety and the history of your specific dog, you may need to consult with a trainer to do all this safely. Please don’t be a hero and risk a bite.

Now, I want to hear from you: What did you do to introduce your reactive dog to your partner?

The No-Introduction Introduction: How to Acclimate Your Reactive or Selective Dog to New People Safely, Slowly, and Successfully