Is Your Dog Just Not That Into You?

When people tell me that their dog is “distracted” or “stubborn,” I typically want to question them more.

”How is he distracted?”
”What is he usually distracted by?”
”Define stubborn? Describe what stubborn looks like, step by step for me?”

“Well, any time I try to train him, he just won’t even look up at me. I can say his name 1000 times, and he won’t turn around. If we’re in the house, he’ll be more interested in a dust bunny blowing across the room than working with me on obedience. He even turns down bacon!”

When I ask about their typical routine/lifestyle, I usually hear some variation of this:

The dog has a doggie door and can come and go at will. The dog sleeps in the bed with the owners and roams freely during the day. The dog is past 1 year old and still sometimes has accidents. The dog rarely comes when called. The dog has a bowl of cheap dog food filled up at all times in the kitchen. The dog may go to daycare or the dog park to exercise. The dog may in fact be social and friendly with other dogs - sometimes so much so that he pulls the owners over to get to them. The dog is usually reactive, or at the very least, hard to handle on the leash. The dog usually jumps on guests. The dog usually does alot of nuisance barking in the back yard. The dog will play with the owner, but more often than not chooses to self entertain by shredding toys, barking at neighbor’s dogs through the fence, or playing with the other dog in the home.

The thing is….this dog isn’t distracted. The dog just isn’t that into its owner. Distracted implies that there is focus (at least some of the time). He’s not “stubborn,” because “stubborn” would involve knowing what he is expected to do and choosing not to do it. When these type of dogs come to training, it is a struggle to get the dog to do anything other than slam into the end of the leash, army crawl away from the owner, or bark at myself or other dogs. Even the simplest directives - mark and reward eye contact - cannot be accomplished in that first lesson…because the dog never looks at the owner, no matter how many times she says his name. Very often, I witness dogs like this turn down their nose at bacon, chicken or steak. This can be frustrating and downright embarrassing for the owner. They paid all this money to come train with me, and now the dog is turning down bacon. Often this leads to owners doing unhelpful things, like chanting “hey!” at the dog in a firm tone of voice. Or barking commands at them. Commands that they don’t even really know that well. This leads the dog to tune them out even further.

It can be disheartening to have this scene be repeated day in and day out. Owners struggling with their dog need quick successes at the very beginning of the training in order to stay motivated.

Owners come to me generally for one of two reasons 1) the dog has done something dangerous as a result of their not being attentive to the owner or 2) the owner is simply tired of feeling overlooked by the dog and knows that a better relationship would lead to a happier life for both of them. One time, I worked with a Jack Russell that liked to run away from it’s owner when she called. At home on her rural property, this wasn’t a huge deal. The dog would have a jaunt in the woods for a few hours then come back. Then one time, he did it on vacation. The owner’s nine year old nephew was inside with the dog when it slipped out the front door. He, being a brave and helpful nine year old, chased the dog across a busy highway to try and retrieve it, to the horror of his family. This dog loved his owner - he would climb in her lap and nudge her hand for snuggles. But other than that, he simply wasn’t that into her. He rarely looked at her as a source of food or fun. If there were other opportunities for fun around, he would go and choose those.

So, the question is : What can I do? As always, consulting with a trainer is going to be best, but here are some thing everyone can do right now to increase the dog’s focus on them. It all comes down to relationship. A huge part of having a healthy relationship with dogs is clarity. What do I mean by clarity? I mean that the meaning of your words and behavior are clear to the dog. When I ask my clients, “Why did you just say hey! to your dog?” often they respond “I don’t know.” When I ask “Why did you jerk the leash just then?” They often respond: “I don’t know.” This is a problem. It is a problem if you don’t know why you say or do certain things to your dog. If you don’t know why you are saying or doing those things, your dog doesn’t either.


1. Create some reward markers. Food is a natural way to create motivation in a dog, as food is the only things dogs need to survive. The problem is - your dog likely isn’t hungry. If he were hungry, he wouldn’t turn down bacon. He isn’t hungry because the food bowl is constantly available. The dog has never had to feel the natural consequence of not eating - which is hungry. So pick the food bowl up, and offer one meal from your hand instead. When he becomes hungry, the dog will eat!

Now that your dog is hungry you can start the process of creating a marker system. Say “good,” reach into your pouch, and give your dog the food. Don’t reach into your pouch until you say the word, “good.” Once your dog understands that good = food, you can say the word, “good” when your dog does something good! Like eye contact, or sitting, or laying down.

2. Limit your dog’s access to other fun things. I’m not saying your dog can never ever play with dogs, or never ever have a puzzle toy. But let’s be honest, if you can’t ever get your dog to pay attention to you in the presence of other dogs…that’s a problem right? If you can’t ever simply communicate “No, not right now,” you’re going to run into issues. At some point, you’re going to have to establish a habit of being attentive to you. Sometimes that involves taking away ALL other distractions, for a period of time, while you build value into your relationship. The reality is many of my client dogs get all of their needs met from venues other than their owner. If they’re bored, they go grab a toy out of the toy basket. If they’re hungry they go get a mouthful of food from the automatic food bowl. If they get sent to Board & Train, they have a lot of fun with me, and the dog values our relationship. But that doesn’t do the owner any good. The owner has to take the same steps to have the dog regard them in the same way. I can send home a fully trained dog, but I can’t make your dog value its relationship with you. I can make your dog responsive and compliant to your commands, but I can’t give you a relationship with your dog.

3. If you don’t know why you are doing something, stop doing it. If you don’t know how to use leash corrections, hire a trainer to help you. If your dog has never sat at the front door before, stop telling him to do it. If your dog doesn’t know “leave it,” stop chanting it whenever you encounter another dog on the walk. If your dog doesn’t know what “hey!” means, stop saying it. If you say “yes!” to reinforce a behavior and your dog does not turn its head and launch itself at the food in your hand….your dog does not know what “yes” means. If you say “good” and your dog does not turn it’s head to look for food, then your dog does not know that “good” means “food.” You can attach meanings to all of these words and behaviors. But the point is: you probably don’t know how. There is nothing wrong with that. Invest in the help needed to figure it out. Your dog deserves it!

Now I want to hear from you: do you ever feel like your dog is just not that into you?